Tag Archives: addiction recovery

Honesty


Growing up honesty was not a value we practiced in our home.  I learned from a very young age not to let the “outside” world know what was really happening in our “inside” world at home.   It was something I did on a daily basis & all throughout my day for that matter.

As I grew older , I continued to take this same sense of “dishonesty” with me wherever I went.  It was how I was raised, it’s what I thought was not only right , but okay.  Needless to say, this type of life only lead me to much darker places.  I lied to get what I wanted, when I wanted it .  I lied about being sick, so I didn’t have to do this or that; my lying became such a habit that I even began believing the lies I was telling to everyone else.

During my youth years, my mom and us 4 kids began attending church on a regular basis.  I was so insecure and so afraid.  I grew up in the old testament bible beating you upside the head type of church and I just knew God was going to kill me before I left that building, on so many occasions.  I mean if I was going to hell because I lied, then I might as well hang it up and if kissing a boy gave you a disease and struck you to your death, then I should have already been gone; Yes it was very confusing.  Then bring in the factor that my father sexually abused me and well, I just gave up at that point.  I was more afraid to walk in a church building than I was not to.  I wanted to believe with all of my heart, I really did; but I was too afraid.  I didn’t see God as loving and caring; I saw Him as someone who was waiting to zap me at any moment and send me straight to hell.  I knew that I had not lived up to any Godly Standards in my life, much less the way I was living at the time.  I was more afraid than comfortable with the entire God Thing.

The thoughts and fears and guilt became so overbearing that I chose to run the other way; to completely get away from God; I did whatever I could to make Him “Zap” me, so to speak; I started using the drugs and alcohol to numb all the confusion and pain; That’s when the grips of addiction took hold and swept me away.  I lived in a hell like I never even imagined was possible and the darkness within my heart; well to this day I don’t even like to speak of it.  I hated everyone, only liked you to get what I could from you, & most of all I hated myself with everything I had within me.  I hated the way I looked, acted, talked, walked, slept, played, did homework, & anything else I could think of.  I envied everyone around me,; what I truly wanted was to go with Alice into a rabbit hole, but I didn’t want to come back.

Today my life is completely different.  I found a new way to live ; one that took my life in the direction I thought only others could enjoy.  It didn’t happen overnight; I had to face many fears along the way, the scariest being, have to  face feel my feelings.  Yes that one nearly got the best of me.  However , with a Sponsor in my pocket, God on my side, & Hope in my heart – I kept going One Day at a Time.  I not only learned to be honest, I learned one of the most important values in life; I learned to be honest with myself; That’s when my true healing began.

Now I am not perfect by any means, but I sure am better than I use to be.  I still have to keep myself accountable & work my program on a daily basis; but the most precious gift of all is the relationship I have with God; He’s my best friend, my provider , and my reason for living.   Now if that’s not a far cry from the way I use to be I don’t know what is.  I enjoy my life today & helping others is a passion that consumes my entire being.

I don’t know what you may be going through, I don’t know what’s on your mind, or what you may be suffering from; But I do know there’s a way out of  the misery and pain.  There’s a way to live life to the fullest and there’s a way to find peace & happiness; You just have to be willing to take that first step in the right direction.  Reach out to someone and share what’s going on with you on the inside; Share as honestly as you can and allow them to help you learn how to take the next step towards freedom.  Whether it’s an addiction, depression, abuse, fear, or just hopelessness you are struggling with, You Can find the help you are looking for ; But whether you find it or not, is a choice that only you can make.

((((hugs & love))))

Wendy

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Getting into the Solution


So, yesterday was not a very good day for me; I was all wrapped up in myself and self-pity was running riot.  I was feeling as though I had let everyone down and that my dreams were never going to come true; that I was nothing but a failure and I might as well give up.  Yes I went there and for most of the day at that.  It seemed like the harder I tried, the worse things got.  Overwhelming feelings took over like a sudden disaster and seemed to be suffocating me.

I knew that if I allowed these feelings to continue that I was headed for some dangerous territory; so I did what I know to do and I went to my Sponser’s house and shared my feelings and thoughts, in a vulnerable way.  There was nothing positive coming out of my mouth, especially about myself.  She pointed out to me that all I was doing was beating myself up and the only place that was going to get me was into a deep and dark depression.  We talked for a long time and it really felt better getting out what was honestly going on with me , both in my head and in my heart.

Sometimes we just have bad days; We feel “bluh”and just want to escape from it all; especially when everything seems to be falling apart around us.  If we don’t quickly get into the solution, we will lead ourselves’ to much darker places; depression, despair, isolation, fear, loneliness & even destruction.

When you have those days, don’t  beat yourself up; we all go through such times.  Reach out to someone, share what’s going on and be open-minded and willing enough to take some suggestions; and when things seem to be falling apart, don’t allow it to cause you to give up; Just because things aren’t working out on your time-table , doesn’t mean they never will.

((((hugs & love))))

Wendy

http://www.wingsofencouragement.net/store.html (check out our online store for great Easter ideas and our variety of Inspirational items)

Don’t Give Up


Just because things aren’t working out when & how you wanted, doesn’t mean you should give up on the dreams.  Achieving our goals & dreams takes perseverance,  dedication, & a whole lot of faith.   We learn as we go; we have setbacks & we have comebacks.  We learn from our mistakes and we move on.

I started taking steps towards my dreams almost 4 years ago; I have had many setbacks and there have been long periods of time th, at I found it necessary to take a break from it all.  Recently my Hopes were shattered when things fell apart.  Things didn’t happen the way I had hoped or planned.  Yes, it was extremely discouraging and for a while I withdrew, not knowing which way to turn I fell to my knees and prayed.  That’s all I could do and I continued to do just that for many weeks.  I still don’t have all the answers.   What I do know is that when I have a burning desire in my heart, when I can’t go through a day without thinking about that desire, and my heart is full of passion for that desire; And that passion , I believe, comes from God.  It’s there for a reason, it’s what I love and I have to take the good with the bad.  I won’t give up,  I will keep doing what it is I know in my heart I need to do and I will get up and try it another way.  I don’t know exactly what that other way is today, but I know the answers will come.

Just because you are not quite sure what it is you should do next, doesn’t mean that your dreams are over, it doesn’t mean you have to give up; Maybe you just need to slow down, re-assess the situation, or go with a different approach.  Whatever it may be, always remember if you can’t go a day without thinking about it, there’s a reason for that.

((((hugs & love))))

Wendy

http://www.wingsofencouragement.net/

Resentments


For so many years I heard people say things about how I needed to let go of the anger at my father for despicable acts that he forced upon me as a child.  Of course I didn’t and I wouldn’t; I  was full of anger, hatred, rage, fear, and so much more.  I didn’t trust anyone and I had a temper just like my father did.  The pain  became so powerful that it took over my entire  being, until I was seeking relief through alcohol and drugs.

After several years of living (if that’s what you want to call it) in full-blown active addiction, I finally hit my rock bottom.  All of my consequences were coming down on me at the same time and it literally felt as though I had an elephant on my chest.  I ended up in jail and knew that something had to change.  When I went into treatment, the last thing I wanted to do was talk about my father and uncles who had molested me for years.  I just kept saying , Oh that’s in the past, we left them, my father is dead, etc.   Although my plan was to sweep it under the rug and avoid it all together, God had something else in mind.  I started reading a book and in that book it talked about family members having the same problem.  Of course that didn’t go over well with me, because I had always said that I would never be like my Dad.  Well here I was, in treatment to come off drugs and alcohol; just like my dad.  That literally made me physically sick.  I still pretty much kept quiet in treatment when it came to my dad, but when I got out and started attending meetings and got a Sponsor; well that’s when the healing really began.  I almost immediately began working the 12 steps and although the pain of reliving those days of my childhood, felt unbearable at times, I kept pushing through.  With the help of my Sponsor and many others in the fellowship, I was finally able to see that forgiving wasn’t about the other person, it was about setting the prisoner inside of me free.  In actuality, my father still had power over me and he had passed many years before I became clean.  When I began to see how true that statement was, I was more than willing to face it , feel it, and free it!  I have never felt so much freedom in my entire life.

Just because you forgive someone , doesn’t mean that what they did was okay, it doesn’t mean that you forget, and it doesn’t mean that it never hurt; It only means that you are no longer willing to allow that resentment to be in control of your life; Forgiveness is for you , not the other person or persons.  So when the time is right for you (and no one can tell you when that is but you; ) face those fears and feelings that you are trying to suppress, because whether you like it or not they are going to come out one way or another.

((((hugs & love))))

Wendy

Feeling a little blue


If you’re feeling a little blue, allow yourself to be right where you are:  If all you want to do is lay around, that’s okay to, just lay around;  If you feel like crying, by all means cry away; If you’re angry, that’s perfectly fine, you have the right to be, you just don’t have the right to express it in harmful ways towards others.

Whatever you are feeling , it’s okay; We can’t be all chipper and full of life 24/7; there’s times when we are tired, lonely, afraid, and just flat worn out.  Acknowledge your feelings, see them for what they are and if they keep returning, talk to someone, see your Physician, or whatever you must do to see their is an underlying health issue.  Ask yourself why you are feeling what you are feeling, why is it getting to you so badly, why is returning so often; then break it down even further; and ask yourself why you are feeling the way your first answer was, and the second, and third; and so on, until you find the core of the issue.  Most of the time I have to help from my Mentor and best friend; but the first thing I do about any of these situations is I pray to God for clarity.  The I step forward in getting into the solution and getting to the root of the problem.

Give yourself a break, it’s okay not to be perfect, it’s okay if you just don’t know why you feel the way you do; Just Breathe and allow the feelings to flow through.

((((hugs & love))))

Wendy

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Listen to what your body is telling you!


I don’t know about everyone else, but I use to push myself to the point of complete exhaustion and even to the point of physical illnesses.  I learned the hard way that when my body screams out for rest, it’s time for rest; or you may find yourself not only at the Doctor’s Office, but even worse and laid up in a hospital bed.

I did just that a few months ago.  Finances and what my son was going through had taken its toll on me; then I had to quit my job and our income dropped drastically.  To top it off my Facebook Page Wings of Encouragement was hacked and I had lost control of it , along with the nearly million followers.  I stressed so much, didn’t eat right, didn’t sleep well, and was always trying to “fix-manage-&-control” things.  That’s when my body shut down; My blood pressure was above stroke level and couldn’t be brought down, I was beginning to have panic attacks, my sodium level had dropped to coma level and  I ended up in the hospital close to a nervous breakdown.

The climb to regain myself both mentally and physically was tough to say the least, but I am glad to say things are a bit back to normal today, However I learned one of the most valuable lessons I have learned in quite some time; I learned that life is too short to waste it stressing yourself to death; when your body starts giving you signs, PAY ATTENTION, and most importantly TAKE CARE OF YOU FIRST, because if you don’t , then you just may not be around to take care of others.

So if your body is tired, REST, if you aren’t eating right, EAT, if you are experiencing unusual signs of any sort, CALL YOUR DOCTOR AND DO WHAT THEY TO SAY!

Our body is a Temple, SO TREAT IT LIKE ONE!

(((hugs & love))))

Wendy

http://www.wingsofencouragement.net/


Sometimes we think that God isn’t listening , that He isn’t answering our prayers; we as if He has abandoned.  But this is far from the truth.

There have been many times that I would pray and pray and it didn’t seem like God was listening; Then after some time in my Program I began to realize that I was being close-minded concerning God’s answers.  I wanted Him to answer me in a certain way and had shut out the limitless possibilities in which He could answer.  I missed out on a lot of answered prayers in search for my “burning bush”.  And I mean that literally.  I wanted to watch something appear the way I wanted it to, whether it be that burning bush or something falling from the sky or into my lap.  That’s just not how it has worked for me.  Yes there have been times that opportunities occurred with little or no effort on my part, but more often than not, God has answered my prayers through the people both in and out of my life.

Stay open-minded when it comes to clarity of God’s answers and purposes for you; Don’t limit your answers.  It reminds me of a parable that a friend of mine use to tell me all the time; it goes something like this; There was a big flood coming and people were being evacuated; This one man prayed for God to save him from the flood; In the mean time someone came by with a ladder to help the man escape from his home that was now rising with water, and the man said, “No, God is going to save me”; Then someone came in a boat also offering to rescue the man, but he stated the same words he did to the man in the boat, “God is going to save me” .  Then a helicopter came down to rescue the man and once again he spoke the same words, “God is going to save me”.   The flood ended up engulfing the man’s home and himself; When he reached Heaven he asked God , Why didn’t you save me and God’s reply was, “I sent you a ladder, a boat, and a helicopter”.

Having a closed mind when it comes to God’s guidance, will cause you to miss out on some of the most beautiful & amazing opportunities in your life.  So stay open-minded and let God do His thing.

(((Hug s& love)))

Wendy Box

http://www.wingsofencouragement.net/