Resentments


For so many years I heard people say things about how I needed to let go of the anger at my father for despicable acts that he forced upon me as a child.  Of course I didn’t and I wouldn’t; I  was full of anger, hatred, rage, fear, and so much more.  I didn’t trust anyone and I had a temper just like my father did.  The pain  became so powerful that it took over my entire  being, until I was seeking relief through alcohol and drugs.

After several years of living (if that’s what you want to call it) in full-blown active addiction, I finally hit my rock bottom.  All of my consequences were coming down on me at the same time and it literally felt as though I had an elephant on my chest.  I ended up in jail and knew that something had to change.  When I went into treatment, the last thing I wanted to do was talk about my father and uncles who had molested me for years.  I just kept saying , Oh that’s in the past, we left them, my father is dead, etc.   Although my plan was to sweep it under the rug and avoid it all together, God had something else in mind.  I started reading a book and in that book it talked about family members having the same problem.  Of course that didn’t go over well with me, because I had always said that I would never be like my Dad.  Well here I was, in treatment to come off drugs and alcohol; just like my dad.  That literally made me physically sick.  I still pretty much kept quiet in treatment when it came to my dad, but when I got out and started attending meetings and got a Sponsor; well that’s when the healing really began.  I almost immediately began working the 12 steps and although the pain of reliving those days of my childhood, felt unbearable at times, I kept pushing through.  With the help of my Sponsor and many others in the fellowship, I was finally able to see that forgiving wasn’t about the other person, it was about setting the prisoner inside of me free.  In actuality, my father still had power over me and he had passed many years before I became clean.  When I began to see how true that statement was, I was more than willing to face it , feel it, and free it!  I have never felt so much freedom in my entire life.

Just because you forgive someone , doesn’t mean that what they did was okay, it doesn’t mean that you forget, and it doesn’t mean that it never hurt; It only means that you are no longer willing to allow that resentment to be in control of your life; Forgiveness is for you , not the other person or persons.  So when the time is right for you (and no one can tell you when that is but you; ) face those fears and feelings that you are trying to suppress, because whether you like it or not they are going to come out one way or another.

((((hugs & love))))

Wendy

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