Tag Archives: Feelings

Honesty


Growing up honesty was not a value we practiced in our home.  I learned from a very young age not to let the “outside” world know what was really happening in our “inside” world at home.   It was something I did on a daily basis & all throughout my day for that matter.

As I grew older , I continued to take this same sense of “dishonesty” with me wherever I went.  It was how I was raised, it’s what I thought was not only right , but okay.  Needless to say, this type of life only lead me to much darker places.  I lied to get what I wanted, when I wanted it .  I lied about being sick, so I didn’t have to do this or that; my lying became such a habit that I even began believing the lies I was telling to everyone else.

During my youth years, my mom and us 4 kids began attending church on a regular basis.  I was so insecure and so afraid.  I grew up in the old testament bible beating you upside the head type of church and I just knew God was going to kill me before I left that building, on so many occasions.  I mean if I was going to hell because I lied, then I might as well hang it up and if kissing a boy gave you a disease and struck you to your death, then I should have already been gone; Yes it was very confusing.  Then bring in the factor that my father sexually abused me and well, I just gave up at that point.  I was more afraid to walk in a church building than I was not to.  I wanted to believe with all of my heart, I really did; but I was too afraid.  I didn’t see God as loving and caring; I saw Him as someone who was waiting to zap me at any moment and send me straight to hell.  I knew that I had not lived up to any Godly Standards in my life, much less the way I was living at the time.  I was more afraid than comfortable with the entire God Thing.

The thoughts and fears and guilt became so overbearing that I chose to run the other way; to completely get away from God; I did whatever I could to make Him “Zap” me, so to speak; I started using the drugs and alcohol to numb all the confusion and pain; That’s when the grips of addiction took hold and swept me away.  I lived in a hell like I never even imagined was possible and the darkness within my heart; well to this day I don’t even like to speak of it.  I hated everyone, only liked you to get what I could from you, & most of all I hated myself with everything I had within me.  I hated the way I looked, acted, talked, walked, slept, played, did homework, & anything else I could think of.  I envied everyone around me,; what I truly wanted was to go with Alice into a rabbit hole, but I didn’t want to come back.

Today my life is completely different.  I found a new way to live ; one that took my life in the direction I thought only others could enjoy.  It didn’t happen overnight; I had to face many fears along the way, the scariest being, have to  face feel my feelings.  Yes that one nearly got the best of me.  However , with a Sponsor in my pocket, God on my side, & Hope in my heart – I kept going One Day at a Time.  I not only learned to be honest, I learned one of the most important values in life; I learned to be honest with myself; That’s when my true healing began.

Now I am not perfect by any means, but I sure am better than I use to be.  I still have to keep myself accountable & work my program on a daily basis; but the most precious gift of all is the relationship I have with God; He’s my best friend, my provider , and my reason for living.   Now if that’s not a far cry from the way I use to be I don’t know what is.  I enjoy my life today & helping others is a passion that consumes my entire being.

I don’t know what you may be going through, I don’t know what’s on your mind, or what you may be suffering from; But I do know there’s a way out of  the misery and pain.  There’s a way to live life to the fullest and there’s a way to find peace & happiness; You just have to be willing to take that first step in the right direction.  Reach out to someone and share what’s going on with you on the inside; Share as honestly as you can and allow them to help you learn how to take the next step towards freedom.  Whether it’s an addiction, depression, abuse, fear, or just hopelessness you are struggling with, You Can find the help you are looking for ; But whether you find it or not, is a choice that only you can make.

((((hugs & love))))

Wendy

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Resentments


For so many years I heard people say things about how I needed to let go of the anger at my father for despicable acts that he forced upon me as a child.  Of course I didn’t and I wouldn’t; I  was full of anger, hatred, rage, fear, and so much more.  I didn’t trust anyone and I had a temper just like my father did.  The pain  became so powerful that it took over my entire  being, until I was seeking relief through alcohol and drugs.

After several years of living (if that’s what you want to call it) in full-blown active addiction, I finally hit my rock bottom.  All of my consequences were coming down on me at the same time and it literally felt as though I had an elephant on my chest.  I ended up in jail and knew that something had to change.  When I went into treatment, the last thing I wanted to do was talk about my father and uncles who had molested me for years.  I just kept saying , Oh that’s in the past, we left them, my father is dead, etc.   Although my plan was to sweep it under the rug and avoid it all together, God had something else in mind.  I started reading a book and in that book it talked about family members having the same problem.  Of course that didn’t go over well with me, because I had always said that I would never be like my Dad.  Well here I was, in treatment to come off drugs and alcohol; just like my dad.  That literally made me physically sick.  I still pretty much kept quiet in treatment when it came to my dad, but when I got out and started attending meetings and got a Sponsor; well that’s when the healing really began.  I almost immediately began working the 12 steps and although the pain of reliving those days of my childhood, felt unbearable at times, I kept pushing through.  With the help of my Sponsor and many others in the fellowship, I was finally able to see that forgiving wasn’t about the other person, it was about setting the prisoner inside of me free.  In actuality, my father still had power over me and he had passed many years before I became clean.  When I began to see how true that statement was, I was more than willing to face it , feel it, and free it!  I have never felt so much freedom in my entire life.

Just because you forgive someone , doesn’t mean that what they did was okay, it doesn’t mean that you forget, and it doesn’t mean that it never hurt; It only means that you are no longer willing to allow that resentment to be in control of your life; Forgiveness is for you , not the other person or persons.  So when the time is right for you (and no one can tell you when that is but you; ) face those fears and feelings that you are trying to suppress, because whether you like it or not they are going to come out one way or another.

((((hugs & love))))

Wendy

Feeling a little blue


If you’re feeling a little blue, allow yourself to be right where you are:  If all you want to do is lay around, that’s okay to, just lay around;  If you feel like crying, by all means cry away; If you’re angry, that’s perfectly fine, you have the right to be, you just don’t have the right to express it in harmful ways towards others.

Whatever you are feeling , it’s okay; We can’t be all chipper and full of life 24/7; there’s times when we are tired, lonely, afraid, and just flat worn out.  Acknowledge your feelings, see them for what they are and if they keep returning, talk to someone, see your Physician, or whatever you must do to see their is an underlying health issue.  Ask yourself why you are feeling what you are feeling, why is it getting to you so badly, why is returning so often; then break it down even further; and ask yourself why you are feeling the way your first answer was, and the second, and third; and so on, until you find the core of the issue.  Most of the time I have to help from my Mentor and best friend; but the first thing I do about any of these situations is I pray to God for clarity.  The I step forward in getting into the solution and getting to the root of the problem.

Give yourself a break, it’s okay not to be perfect, it’s okay if you just don’t know why you feel the way you do; Just Breathe and allow the feelings to flow through.

((((hugs & love))))

Wendy

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Feel your feelings


Feel your feelings

Many have been taught to tuck their feelings away;
To pretend that they have it all under control;
While there are times that we must “suck it in” so to speak;
We do that to get through our responsibilities;
We shouldn’t do it for very long;
Express yourself, in a healthy manner;
Talk to someone you can trust;
Write about it, whatever you have to do;
Just don’t deny your feelings because they
won’t just go away;
You must expose them for what they are;
They lose their power that way;
They will come out sooner or later;
Whether it’s in a healthy or unhealthy way;
Is entirely up to you.
(((Hugs & love)))
Wendy

It’s time to live your life!


 

It’s time to Live your life!
Quit holding back; Give yourself permission to live more freely!
Quit putting off what needs to be dealt with ; deal with it, feel the feelings and then release them; cry them out if you have to , just release them and move on. No one is holding you back but yourself!!
When we let go of the baggage we can… move forward and live the life that was meant for us. Living with an open heart to all our surroundings; loving deeply, living with true compassion, spreading our wings and soaring above the clouds. It’s then that we are able to be set free. So set yourself free and fly, fly fly! WB
Hugs & Love
Wendy

Feelings


 

Sometimes we will offer our knowledge and experience only to be taken advantage of; although that may take us to an uncomfortable place , it will only control us if we allow it to. If we offered comfort from our heart, for all the right reasons, then there is nothing to be bothered with. Yes you do need to feel the hurt that comes a…long with this type of disappointment, but you don’t have to allow it to control you. Keep moving forward, bringing forth all that you have to offer and all else will fall into place. At least that is what I intend to do.
So many times we feel that we aren’t suppose to allow things to bother us (as I have shared with a few others over the past few days); so we keep them bottled up inside. We are humans, with feelings and emotions; all of which need to be felt and experienced. Feel your feelings, all of them; then allow them to evaporate into the Universe ; knowing that you are one step closer on this journey to your heart.

((((hugs & love)))))
Wendy