Resentments

For so many years I heard people say things about how I needed to let go of the anger at my father for despicable acts that he forced upon me as a child.  Of course I didn’t and I wouldn’t; I  was full of anger, hatred, rage, fear, and so much more.  I didn’t trust anyone and I had a temper just like my father did.  The pain  became so powerful that it took over my entire  being, until I was seeking relief through alcohol and drugs.

After several years of living (if that’s what you want to call it) in full-blown active addiction, I finally hit my rock bottom.  All of my consequences were coming down on me at the same time and it literally felt as though I had an elephant on my chest.  I ended up in jail and knew that something had to change.  When I went into treatment, the last thing I wanted to do was talk about my father and uncles who had molested me for years.  I just kept saying , Oh that’s in the past, we left them, my father is dead, etc.   Although my plan was to sweep it under the rug and avoid it all together, God had something else in mind.  I started reading a book and in that book it talked about family members having the same problem.  Of course that didn’t go over well with me, because I had always said that I would never be like my Dad.  Well here I was, in treatment to come off drugs and alcohol; just like my dad.  That literally made me physically sick.  I still pretty much kept quiet in treatment when it came to my dad, but when I got out and started attending meetings and got a Sponsor; well that’s when the healing really began.  I almost immediately began working the 12 steps and although the pain of reliving those days of my childhood, felt unbearable at times, I kept pushing through.  With the help of my Sponsor and many others in the fellowship, I was finally able to see that forgiving wasn’t about the other person, it was about setting the prisoner inside of me free.  In actuality, my father still had power over me and he had passed many years before I became clean.  When I began to see how true that statement was, I was more than willing to face it , feel it, and free it!  I have never felt so much freedom in my entire life.

Just because you forgive someone , doesn’t mean that what they did was okay, it doesn’t mean that you forget, and it doesn’t mean that it never hurt; It only means that you are no longer willing to allow that resentment to be in control of your life; Forgiveness is for you , not the other person or persons.  So when the time is right for you (and no one can tell you when that is but you; ) face those fears and feelings that you are trying to suppress, because whether you like it or not they are going to come out one way or another.

((((hugs & love))))

Wendy

Commitment

Keeping our word is of the utmost importance;  Doing what we say we are going to do, defines our true character and whether or not others will trust us.

When I first got clean/sober, no one expected me to do what I said I was going to do.  I had been deceiving so many during my active addiction, that no one trusted me anymore.  It took some hard work and a lot of practice, but today I can say, unless there are circumstances beyond my control, I do what I say I am going to do.

Have you ever started a project only to leave it undone?  For instance, something as simple as washing clothes or doing dishes?  I always had to leave something undone, whether it was a few utensils in the sink or clothes left in the dryer.  When I realized that if I couldn’t keep a commitment to the small things, I would never be able to tackle the bigger things in life; I began to change.  No, I am not always perfect at this and there are times when either I am sick or something , like an emergency or unexpected visitor comes up; that I am unable to complete what I set out to do.  However today, people know that if I don’t follow through with something, it’s because of something completely out of my control.

Recently I have had to re-group in this area of my life.  When I had to quit my job because of circumstances at home I began to isolate; Then my Facebook page was hacked, then the sales didn’t go like we thought they would, then I became ill and ended up in the hospital for the 3rd time in a year and several other things seemed to be falling apart; That’s when I began feeling sorry for myself and with that self-loathing and self-pity not only did isolation take over, but every time I made plans with someone, I would make up some excuse as to why I couldn’t go through with what I had said I would do.

In Recovery we have Sponsors and although my Sponsor is also my best friend, she doesn’t hesitate to call me out on things.  This was no different; She told me that I was slipping and setting up for a relapse; She was concerned for my well-being and saw that I not only had halted the healing process , but I had gone backwards in leaps and bounds.  At first I was in shock and felt completely helpless, but then I began to pray and take responsibility for my actions; followed by making right those wrongs, to the best of my ability.  I am so happy to say that today I am back on track; back writing, back doing what I love to do on Facebook and helping others; Back selling the jewelry and other inspirational items at my online store and at the 2 on-site stores in Alabama.  No, I am not giving up and Yes I am keeping my word!  I am following through with what I began and I plan on seeing it through to the end

We all fall, we all get off track; None of us are perfect, but we can start over at any given time and learn from our mistakes; Besides that’s what success is all about, growing and learning from the setbacks.

((((hugs & love))))

Wendy

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Inspirational Jewelry

Release the bondage of resentments

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Get Back to the Basics

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Have you ever just felt like something is missing?  I mean you aren’t unhappy, actually your life is going pretty well in all areas, but something is just not there; something that was once before.

I have been in that place for several months now.  The difference is I knew what was missing, or at least I had an idea as to what it was, but I would do everything possible to talk myself out of doing, what I know in my heart I was supposed to be doing.  Finally after many weeks of pushing and pulling, I finally gave in and got back to the basics last night.  I wasn’t anything hard, difficult, or dramatic that I had to do, but it brought such peace and comfort and the minute I stepped in that room, I could feel my face glowing.  Yes that spark inside of me knew I exactly what it was I had been missing, the fellowship of those just like me, the unconditional love that comes from those very same people and the freedom it all brings.  It was a simple thing, a basic principle that began over 7 years ago; yet I was so determined to fight the urge to do what I knew was right, that I risked the very essence of who I am today.

If something is missing in your life, if you feel like something is lost that you once had, get back to the basics of things; Have you stopped doing something you use to do?  Have you been taking time out for you? Have you been isolating or living in fear?  Whatever it is that you did before start it once again.  The basic values in my program are what have kept me clean for so many years and the choice is mine , as to whether or not I will continue to ignore them or apply them in every area of my life.

((((hugs & love)))

Wendy

Happiness is an Inside Thing!

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((((hugs & love))))

Wendy

Feeling a little blue

If you’re feeling a little blue, allow yourself to be right where you are:  If all you want to do is lay around, that’s okay to, just lay around;  If you feel like crying, by all means cry away; If you’re angry, that’s perfectly fine, you have the right to be, you just don’t have the right to express it in harmful ways towards others.

Whatever you are feeling , it’s okay; We can’t be all chipper and full of life 24/7; there’s times when we are tired, lonely, afraid, and just flat worn out.  Acknowledge your feelings, see them for what they are and if they keep returning, talk to someone, see your Physician, or whatever you must do to see their is an underlying health issue.  Ask yourself why you are feeling what you are feeling, why is it getting to you so badly, why is returning so often; then break it down even further; and ask yourself why you are feeling the way your first answer was, and the second, and third; and so on, until you find the core of the issue.  Most of the time I have to help from my Mentor and best friend; but the first thing I do about any of these situations is I pray to God for clarity.  The I step forward in getting into the solution and getting to the root of the problem.

Give yourself a break, it’s okay not to be perfect, it’s okay if you just don’t know why you feel the way you do; Just Breathe and allow the feelings to flow through.

((((hugs & love))))

Wendy

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Discouraged?

Sometimes I become so discouraged with life.  Things seem to keep going wrong and nothing wants to work out.  Every time I take a step towards my dreams, I seem to get knocked down.  Many times I have “thrown in the towel” (so to speak); throwing my hands up in the air out of anger and say to heck with it; it’s just not worth all this effort and frustration.   I take a few days away from what I once loved to do and I start feeling an ache in the core of my gut; one that just won’t go away.   I get even more confused and ask God , “What are you doing to me?; I just don’t understand, nothing is going right, so I gave up, why do I keep getting pulled back to the very thing I hated just a few days ago?”  A few days later the pull towards my dream is still there; so I pick up where I left off, more refreshed now, and I assess the situation.  I pray, take a deep breath, & start once again; now that ache, that burning in my gut seems to just disappear.

Doing what we love is one thing, but persevering through the tough times is a very hard task to tackle.  We learn along the way; We find out more information, we do the hard stuff and eventually things will fall into place.  I have heard that anything worth having takes a lot of hard work to get; So I keep dusting myself off and getting back up.  One day I will see the rewards for all the hard work; one day things will be brighter; but for today, I will put one foot in front of the other and keep doing the next right thing.

If you are getting discouraged with a situation, take a break from it.  Sometimes we push ourselves’ too far and wear ourselves’ out; that’s neither healthy nor will it help the situation at all; it only causes you to be short, discouraged, defeated, tired, and exhausted.  We tend to forget that we have to take time for ourselves’; we have to get rest and take a break from it all; Then we can go back; re-assess the situation,  do our pro’s & con’s list, take a deep breath, and move forward.  Our perception seems to be in a much better place and we seem to accomplish more than we did before.  So if something in your life is causing you to want to give up; Take some time to yourself, get away from it all, & allow your body, mind, & spirit to relax for a while; Do something nice for just you; Pray and ask God for Clarity; Examine the situation, “Is it Healthy?”, “What are your reasons for continuing?”, “What are you trying to accomplish?”, “Is causing someone else harm?”, “Is it causing you any harm?”;  Make your list then look at it realistically; be honest with yourself and if that burning passion to continue on is still there after a while, then get up & get going at it again, this time with a fresh & new perspective.

When we become discouraged, we need to relax for a while; Discouragement causes stress and tension , which can cause us to do and say things we don’t really mean; it can cause us to hurt someone else in the process and words are something you can never take back; So slow down, spend some time in prayer and remember God’s got your back.

((((hugs & love))))

Wendy

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