Tag Archives: Trust


Growing up honesty was not a value we practiced in our home.  I learned from a very young age not to let the “outside” world know what was really happening in our “inside” world at home.   It was something I did on a daily basis & all throughout my day for that matter.

As I grew older , I continued to take this same sense of “dishonesty” with me wherever I went.  It was how I was raised, it’s what I thought was not only right , but okay.  Needless to say, this type of life only lead me to much darker places.  I lied to get what I wanted, when I wanted it .  I lied about being sick, so I didn’t have to do this or that; my lying became such a habit that I even began believing the lies I was telling to everyone else.

During my youth years, my mom and us 4 kids began attending church on a regular basis.  I was so insecure and so afraid.  I grew up in the old testament bible beating you upside the head type of church and I just knew God was going to kill me before I left that building, on so many occasions.  I mean if I was going to hell because I lied, then I might as well hang it up and if kissing a boy gave you a disease and struck you to your death, then I should have already been gone; Yes it was very confusing.  Then bring in the factor that my father sexually abused me and well, I just gave up at that point.  I was more afraid to walk in a church building than I was not to.  I wanted to believe with all of my heart, I really did; but I was too afraid.  I didn’t see God as loving and caring; I saw Him as someone who was waiting to zap me at any moment and send me straight to hell.  I knew that I had not lived up to any Godly Standards in my life, much less the way I was living at the time.  I was more afraid than comfortable with the entire God Thing.

The thoughts and fears and guilt became so overbearing that I chose to run the other way; to completely get away from God; I did whatever I could to make Him “Zap” me, so to speak; I started using the drugs and alcohol to numb all the confusion and pain; That’s when the grips of addiction took hold and swept me away.  I lived in a hell like I never even imagined was possible and the darkness within my heart; well to this day I don’t even like to speak of it.  I hated everyone, only liked you to get what I could from you, & most of all I hated myself with everything I had within me.  I hated the way I looked, acted, talked, walked, slept, played, did homework, & anything else I could think of.  I envied everyone around me,; what I truly wanted was to go with Alice into a rabbit hole, but I didn’t want to come back.

Today my life is completely different.  I found a new way to live ; one that took my life in the direction I thought only others could enjoy.  It didn’t happen overnight; I had to face many fears along the way, the scariest being, have to  face feel my feelings.  Yes that one nearly got the best of me.  However , with a Sponsor in my pocket, God on my side, & Hope in my heart – I kept going One Day at a Time.  I not only learned to be honest, I learned one of the most important values in life; I learned to be honest with myself; That’s when my true healing began.

Now I am not perfect by any means, but I sure am better than I use to be.  I still have to keep myself accountable & work my program on a daily basis; but the most precious gift of all is the relationship I have with God; He’s my best friend, my provider , and my reason for living.   Now if that’s not a far cry from the way I use to be I don’t know what is.  I enjoy my life today & helping others is a passion that consumes my entire being.

I don’t know what you may be going through, I don’t know what’s on your mind, or what you may be suffering from; But I do know there’s a way out of  the misery and pain.  There’s a way to live life to the fullest and there’s a way to find peace & happiness; You just have to be willing to take that first step in the right direction.  Reach out to someone and share what’s going on with you on the inside; Share as honestly as you can and allow them to help you learn how to take the next step towards freedom.  Whether it’s an addiction, depression, abuse, fear, or just hopelessness you are struggling with, You Can find the help you are looking for ; But whether you find it or not, is a choice that only you can make.

((((hugs & love))))




Pushing Through the Tough Times


Pushing through those difficult times can be quite draining to say the least.  There are times when it seems as though everything is falling apart.  The harder we try, the more obstacles that get in our way.  It’s those times that we must push through.  Yes, we become very discouraged and exhausted; even angry and confused; but we mustn’t allow those times to cause us to give up.  Life happens and a lot of the times it’s not the way we want it to be, that’s just life.  If there were some miracle cure I would be a millionaire by now, but there’s not.  Life is going to go on, whether we like it or not.  We can either accept it, obstacles and all, or we can resist it, either way will not stop its process from happening.  

So many times I have yelled out to God, “Why is this happening?” and many times I have isolated myself from the disappointments & heartache that Life throws my way, but that only causes me to be in more pain and it doesn’t change what has happened.  I use to always quit, never finishing anything, because of all the bumps along the way.  This only caused me to miss out on so many opportunities and most important , it made me feel terrible about myself.  So, today, I dust myself off, assess the situation, and start again.  Sometimes, life just seems to flow peacefully, but sometimes I have to push through those difficult times, while holding on with all that I’ve got.

Don’t take it personally when things aren’t going as you planned.  It’s not always your fault when things seem to fall apart; Just keep going, do the next right thing, say a prayer and keep pushing through the mud and the muck.  Soon it will pass and you will have grown even stronger than you were before.  

(((hugs & love))))


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((((hugs & love))))



Sometimes I become so discouraged with life.  Things seem to keep going wrong and nothing wants to work out.  Every time I take a step towards my dreams, I seem to get knocked down.  Many times I have “thrown in the towel” (so to speak); throwing my hands up in the air out of anger and say to heck with it; it’s just not worth all this effort and frustration.   I take a few days away from what I once loved to do and I start feeling an ache in the core of my gut; one that just won’t go away.   I get even more confused and ask God , “What are you doing to me?; I just don’t understand, nothing is going right, so I gave up, why do I keep getting pulled back to the very thing I hated just a few days ago?”  A few days later the pull towards my dream is still there; so I pick up where I left off, more refreshed now, and I assess the situation.  I pray, take a deep breath, & start once again; now that ache, that burning in my gut seems to just disappear.

Doing what we love is one thing, but persevering through the tough times is a very hard task to tackle.  We learn along the way; We find out more information, we do the hard stuff and eventually things will fall into place.  I have heard that anything worth having takes a lot of hard work to get; So I keep dusting myself off and getting back up.  One day I will see the rewards for all the hard work; one day things will be brighter; but for today, I will put one foot in front of the other and keep doing the next right thing.

If you are getting discouraged with a situation, take a break from it.  Sometimes we push ourselves’ too far and wear ourselves’ out; that’s neither healthy nor will it help the situation at all; it only causes you to be short, discouraged, defeated, tired, and exhausted.  We tend to forget that we have to take time for ourselves’; we have to get rest and take a break from it all; Then we can go back; re-assess the situation,  do our pro’s & con’s list, take a deep breath, and move forward.  Our perception seems to be in a much better place and we seem to accomplish more than we did before.  So if something in your life is causing you to want to give up; Take some time to yourself, get away from it all, & allow your body, mind, & spirit to relax for a while; Do something nice for just you; Pray and ask God for Clarity; Examine the situation, “Is it Healthy?”, “What are your reasons for continuing?”, “What are you trying to accomplish?”, “Is causing someone else harm?”, “Is it causing you any harm?”;  Make your list then look at it realistically; be honest with yourself and if that burning passion to continue on is still there after a while, then get up & get going at it again, this time with a fresh & new perspective.

When we become discouraged, we need to relax for a while; Discouragement causes stress and tension , which can cause us to do and say things we don’t really mean; it can cause us to hurt someone else in the process and words are something you can never take back; So slow down, spend some time in prayer and remember God’s got your back.

((((hugs & love))))





Discouragement, we all face it at some point in our lives; whether it’s from repeatedly getting rejections, low self-worth, loss of a loved one or feeling as if what you are doing isn’t making a difference.  When we don’t see the results we would like to see, we can either give up or keep fighting; Knowing which one to do is probably the hardest thing I have ever experienced.

When I decided to become an Alcohol and Drug Addiction Counselor I knew it would be difficult and very risky, since I am in Recovery myself; but I kept feeling my heart tugging me in that direction.  There were many prayers prayed and many questions asked, but I made a decision to go forward with my plans.  The studying became harder and harder, the tests were 4 and a half hours long and I was exhausted from working 2 jobs and going to classes; but I kept going, refusing to give up.

I was told that once I finished the classes and passed the state examine that I would    become an official counselor at the facility I was working at , at the time.  However that didn’t happen; They didn’t keep their promise and it really discouraged me to the point of being sick.  I kept to myself for sometime and the  bitterness only grew deeper and deeper; then one day I fell to my knees and asked God to do for me what I couldn’t do for myself.  It wasn’t a week later and they cut my hours to 2 days a week and the worst part was I had to call to find this information out because my gut kept telling me something was wrong.  I was outraged and hurt.  Then I took it out on myself; telling myself that I must not be meant for this job because I was not good at what I did.  My self-esteem dropped to the lowest it had been in quite some time.  Not long after that, the pain of being at this particular facility was more than I could take; So I applied for a position at Bradford Health Services , which is where I went to treatment; I never dreamed I would get the job.  I felt I was too “lower class” for them to even consider me, however I did it anyway, because I could no longer stay where I was.  The next business day the Supervisor contacted me and asked me to come in for an interview.  I was so excited,, and before long I was a Counselor at Bradford.  That was a dream come true.

No matter what you are going through, when you know without a doubt that you are doing what you need to be doing, then by all means stick with it, but when you know it’s time to change, make the change.  God can open the doors you never thought were possible.

And don’t ever allow anyone cause you to feel less than.

(((hugs & Love)))



The “H.O.W.” of the Program

In Recovery, the “H.O.W.’S” of the Program are ; Honesty , Open-mindedness, & Willingness; which hold true not just for those in a 12-Step Program, but life in general.

There are many 12-Step Programs available all across the world today ; from Addiction to Grief, to Co-dependency, to Over-Eaters , and so much more; Whatever the group may be,  the primary focus is on Honesty, Open-mindedness, & Willingness, for without these 3 nothing is going to change.

So whatever you are going through in life, remember that until you are able to get Honest with Yourself, you will be unable to be honest with others; Until you are Open-minded enough to take suggestions from those who want to help, you will remain the same and if you don’t become Willing to do the above, you will never find a new way to live.

Honesty, Open-minded, & Willing are a must , no matter what you are facing in life; for without them, there are no changes and if there are no changes, things remain the same, or they could  get worse.

(((hugs & love)))