Tag Archives: Forgiveness

Honesty


Growing up honesty was not a value we practiced in our home.  I learned from a very young age not to let the “outside” world know what was really happening in our “inside” world at home.   It was something I did on a daily basis & all throughout my day for that matter.

As I grew older , I continued to take this same sense of “dishonesty” with me wherever I went.  It was how I was raised, it’s what I thought was not only right , but okay.  Needless to say, this type of life only lead me to much darker places.  I lied to get what I wanted, when I wanted it .  I lied about being sick, so I didn’t have to do this or that; my lying became such a habit that I even began believing the lies I was telling to everyone else.

During my youth years, my mom and us 4 kids began attending church on a regular basis.  I was so insecure and so afraid.  I grew up in the old testament bible beating you upside the head type of church and I just knew God was going to kill me before I left that building, on so many occasions.  I mean if I was going to hell because I lied, then I might as well hang it up and if kissing a boy gave you a disease and struck you to your death, then I should have already been gone; Yes it was very confusing.  Then bring in the factor that my father sexually abused me and well, I just gave up at that point.  I was more afraid to walk in a church building than I was not to.  I wanted to believe with all of my heart, I really did; but I was too afraid.  I didn’t see God as loving and caring; I saw Him as someone who was waiting to zap me at any moment and send me straight to hell.  I knew that I had not lived up to any Godly Standards in my life, much less the way I was living at the time.  I was more afraid than comfortable with the entire God Thing.

The thoughts and fears and guilt became so overbearing that I chose to run the other way; to completely get away from God; I did whatever I could to make Him “Zap” me, so to speak; I started using the drugs and alcohol to numb all the confusion and pain; That’s when the grips of addiction took hold and swept me away.  I lived in a hell like I never even imagined was possible and the darkness within my heart; well to this day I don’t even like to speak of it.  I hated everyone, only liked you to get what I could from you, & most of all I hated myself with everything I had within me.  I hated the way I looked, acted, talked, walked, slept, played, did homework, & anything else I could think of.  I envied everyone around me,; what I truly wanted was to go with Alice into a rabbit hole, but I didn’t want to come back.

Today my life is completely different.  I found a new way to live ; one that took my life in the direction I thought only others could enjoy.  It didn’t happen overnight; I had to face many fears along the way, the scariest being, have to  face feel my feelings.  Yes that one nearly got the best of me.  However , with a Sponsor in my pocket, God on my side, & Hope in my heart – I kept going One Day at a Time.  I not only learned to be honest, I learned one of the most important values in life; I learned to be honest with myself; That’s when my true healing began.

Now I am not perfect by any means, but I sure am better than I use to be.  I still have to keep myself accountable & work my program on a daily basis; but the most precious gift of all is the relationship I have with God; He’s my best friend, my provider , and my reason for living.   Now if that’s not a far cry from the way I use to be I don’t know what is.  I enjoy my life today & helping others is a passion that consumes my entire being.

I don’t know what you may be going through, I don’t know what’s on your mind, or what you may be suffering from; But I do know there’s a way out of  the misery and pain.  There’s a way to live life to the fullest and there’s a way to find peace & happiness; You just have to be willing to take that first step in the right direction.  Reach out to someone and share what’s going on with you on the inside; Share as honestly as you can and allow them to help you learn how to take the next step towards freedom.  Whether it’s an addiction, depression, abuse, fear, or just hopelessness you are struggling with, You Can find the help you are looking for ; But whether you find it or not, is a choice that only you can make.

((((hugs & love))))

Wendy

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Resentments


For so many years I heard people say things about how I needed to let go of the anger at my father for despicable acts that he forced upon me as a child.  Of course I didn’t and I wouldn’t; I  was full of anger, hatred, rage, fear, and so much more.  I didn’t trust anyone and I had a temper just like my father did.  The pain  became so powerful that it took over my entire  being, until I was seeking relief through alcohol and drugs.

After several years of living (if that’s what you want to call it) in full-blown active addiction, I finally hit my rock bottom.  All of my consequences were coming down on me at the same time and it literally felt as though I had an elephant on my chest.  I ended up in jail and knew that something had to change.  When I went into treatment, the last thing I wanted to do was talk about my father and uncles who had molested me for years.  I just kept saying , Oh that’s in the past, we left them, my father is dead, etc.   Although my plan was to sweep it under the rug and avoid it all together, God had something else in mind.  I started reading a book and in that book it talked about family members having the same problem.  Of course that didn’t go over well with me, because I had always said that I would never be like my Dad.  Well here I was, in treatment to come off drugs and alcohol; just like my dad.  That literally made me physically sick.  I still pretty much kept quiet in treatment when it came to my dad, but when I got out and started attending meetings and got a Sponsor; well that’s when the healing really began.  I almost immediately began working the 12 steps and although the pain of reliving those days of my childhood, felt unbearable at times, I kept pushing through.  With the help of my Sponsor and many others in the fellowship, I was finally able to see that forgiving wasn’t about the other person, it was about setting the prisoner inside of me free.  In actuality, my father still had power over me and he had passed many years before I became clean.  When I began to see how true that statement was, I was more than willing to face it , feel it, and free it!  I have never felt so much freedom in my entire life.

Just because you forgive someone , doesn’t mean that what they did was okay, it doesn’t mean that you forget, and it doesn’t mean that it never hurt; It only means that you are no longer willing to allow that resentment to be in control of your life; Forgiveness is for you , not the other person or persons.  So when the time is right for you (and no one can tell you when that is but you; ) face those fears and feelings that you are trying to suppress, because whether you like it or not they are going to come out one way or another.

((((hugs & love))))

Wendy

Guilt & Shame


Guilt and Shame can keep you stuck in the past and fearful of the future, if not dealt with in the appropriate manner.

In Recovery we go by our 8th & 9th Steps, which first tell us to make a list of all the persons we have harmed , then to become willing to make amends , to the best of our ability.  This does not mean that we grovel or crawl, begging forgiveness; it means what it simply says, We do it to the best of our ability.  We approach the person and or place, as long as it does not cause harm to ourselves’ or others, and we don’t say I’m Sorry (for they have heard that quite often and it doesn’t mean much to them at all) we admit our wrongs, ask what we can do to make it right, and then we go out there and make a living amends, which means don’t continue the same behaviors that put us in such a predicament to begin with.

It’s not about begging for forgiveness; It’s about owning up to your part and being willing to make it right; Whether or not they forgive us is not the point; The point is that we faced something that we never thought we would be able to; that we are finally taking responsibility for our wrongful acts and are willing to not only make it right, but to live differently in the future.

Most of the time they do forgive us, but sometimes they don’t and that’s okay.  Each person is entitled to their feelings and have their own process of healing; But now we can hold our heads up high, looking the world in the eye, for we have completely and thoroughly examined our wrongs and made them right.

(((hugs & love))))

Wendy

Self-Esteem


There are so many times I wondered why I was even here on this earth.  I couldn’t seem to find what it was that I truly wanted to do, and to be quite frank, I didn’t care, because I just knew I would never be good at whatever it was.  

When I decided to get clean in January of 2007, my life began taking a new direction; one that was filled with Happiness, Freedom, & Hope, but I still couldn’t find my purpose.  Why was I here?  What was it I was suppose to do?  The answers just wouldn’t come.  Soon I became extremely depressed and would often tell myself, “I didn’t get clean , to be miserable.”  Everyone else was doing something great and they were great at it, but I couldn’t see myself being great at anything.  Needless to say I had a lot of work to do.  

Low self-esteem was my biggest issue and even today I still battle with not feeling good enough.  The difference is it doesn’t last as long, nor happen as often.  I started trying new things and began keeping a daily journal, which I call My Letters To God.  Soon I realized that I loved to write; I loved to help people and I loved to share what worked for me.  I wanted others to know that no matter what they may have gone through in life; Addiction, Child abuse (of all sorts), Torture, Depression, Suicidal Thoughts, etc., they too could find a way to enjoy life once again.   So I started working on a meditation book and soon began my own facebook page which has grown to over 1 million followers.  Soon I was dreaming even bigger dreams.  Inspirational Jewelry has always been very special to me; when I am feeling down or like I just don’t have the courage to go one step more, I will rub on my Serenity Prayer necklace and recite the prayer over and over; so I wanted to have my own line of jewelry.  Now this was something I never thought would happen, but in the past few months , not only do I have my own line of jewelry , I have my first t-shirt and even keytags.  Now how awesome is that.  With the help of my Brother-n-law and Sister my dreams are happening right before my own eyes.

Now with all of that being said, I have found myself experiencing a lot of doubt and frustration the past several weeks; My website is new, so there isn’t much traffic and therefore the jewelry and shirts aren’t selling like I had hoped.   Fear started taking over again and before I knew it my thoughts were full of negativity.  I was doubting my existence once again; I was feeling like a failure and like I was letting those that were helping make this dream possible, down.  I also haven’t put my book on kindle yet because of the fear of rejection.  

I look at what all is going on in my life and wonder why I can’t be as great as others are; then I realize I am great, because God made me.  He made me for a unique and divine purpose and helping others and inspiring others is the purpose He has for me; whether it be through facebook, jewelry, website, twitter, other social media or WordPress; God has a plan for me and I know that it’s for my best.  I also know things take time and a lot of work; My self-esteem is much better but I still have a long way to go.  It’s called a PROCESS. 

Low Self-Esteem can destroy your life; it can cause you to do the things you truly don’t want to do, to give up on your dreams , your hopes, and even worse your life.  So many have taken their own lives just because of how much they hated themselves’.   Don’t be one of those people.

When life gets tough, when you feel as though you have no purpose , no use at all in this Universe; Remember, without you the Universe would not be the same; the puzzle wouldn’t be complete, because you are meant to be in it, JUST THE WAY YOU ARE!!  And when you have a dream that you can’t go a day without thinking about, NEVER GIVE UP ON IT!!!!  NEVER!!!!  It takes time to make things happen, along with a lot of hard work and patience.  You will get there, one step & one day at a time. 

Always have Faith in yourself, because God has more faith in you than you can possibly imagine and with God on our side, we can’t do anything but Succeed!!!

(((hugs & love)))

Wendy

http://www.wingsofencouragement.net/

Forgiveness


Many misunderstand the value of forgiveness.
Forgiveness isn’t for the other person by any means, forgiveness is for oneself.
When we forgive , we are free to live life to its fullest, for we are no longer carrying the weight of the resentment within our heart. It sets us free from the power that a person, place or thing may have on us.

I was 42 years old before I forgave my father for the abuse he inflicted on me for 14 years of my childhood. The anger and rage I had in my heart caused me so much pain and it held me back from being able to fully love myself or others; even years after he had passed. Yes , even though he was gone from this earth in the physical form, he still had power over me, my actions, my heart and so much more. Once I was free from that resentment, my entire life began to change; I found a Freedom that I never thought existed, I found the Freedom to love myself in such a powerful way, which in return enabled me to love others the way they deserved to be loved, with all of my heart and not just bits and pieces.

The Journey to that Freedom was painful, but it was worth every tear and ever ounce of pain that I experienced.
I am so grateful that I can say, today I am free and I wouldn’t have it any other way.

(((hugs & love)))
Wendy
http://www.wingsofencouragement.net/