Growing up honesty was not a value we practiced in our home. I learned from a very young age not to let the “outside” world know what was really happening in our “inside” world at home. It was something I did on a daily basis & all throughout my day for that matter.
As I grew older , I continued to take this same sense of “dishonesty” with me wherever I went. It was how I was raised, it’s what I thought was not only right , but okay. Needless to say, this type of life only lead me to much darker places. I lied to get what I wanted, when I wanted it . I lied about being sick, so I didn’t have to do this or that; my lying became such a habit that I even began believing the lies I was telling to everyone else.
During my youth years, my mom and us 4 kids began attending church on a regular basis. I was so insecure and so afraid. I grew up in the old testament bible beating you upside the head type of church and I just knew God was going to kill me before I left that building, on so many occasions. I mean if I was going to hell because I lied, then I might as well hang it up and if kissing a boy gave you a disease and struck you to your death, then I should have already been gone; Yes it was very confusing. Then bring in the factor that my father sexually abused me and well, I just gave up at that point. I was more afraid to walk in a church building than I was not to. I wanted to believe with all of my heart, I really did; but I was too afraid. I didn’t see God as loving and caring; I saw Him as someone who was waiting to zap me at any moment and send me straight to hell. I knew that I had not lived up to any Godly Standards in my life, much less the way I was living at the time. I was more afraid than comfortable with the entire God Thing.
The thoughts and fears and guilt became so overbearing that I chose to run the other way; to completely get away from God; I did whatever I could to make Him “Zap” me, so to speak; I started using the drugs and alcohol to numb all the confusion and pain; That’s when the grips of addiction took hold and swept me away. I lived in a hell like I never even imagined was possible and the darkness within my heart; well to this day I don’t even like to speak of it. I hated everyone, only liked you to get what I could from you, & most of all I hated myself with everything I had within me. I hated the way I looked, acted, talked, walked, slept, played, did homework, & anything else I could think of. I envied everyone around me,; what I truly wanted was to go with Alice into a rabbit hole, but I didn’t want to come back.
Today my life is completely different. I found a new way to live ; one that took my life in the direction I thought only others could enjoy. It didn’t happen overnight; I had to face many fears along the way, the scariest being, have to face feel my feelings. Yes that one nearly got the best of me. However , with a Sponsor in my pocket, God on my side, & Hope in my heart – I kept going One Day at a Time. I not only learned to be honest, I learned one of the most important values in life; I learned to be honest with myself; That’s when my true healing began.
Now I am not perfect by any means, but I sure am better than I use to be. I still have to keep myself accountable & work my program on a daily basis; but the most precious gift of all is the relationship I have with God; He’s my best friend, my provider , and my reason for living. Now if that’s not a far cry from the way I use to be I don’t know what is. I enjoy my life today & helping others is a passion that consumes my entire being.
I don’t know what you may be going through, I don’t know what’s on your mind, or what you may be suffering from; But I do know there’s a way out of the misery and pain. There’s a way to live life to the fullest and there’s a way to find peace & happiness; You just have to be willing to take that first step in the right direction. Reach out to someone and share what’s going on with you on the inside; Share as honestly as you can and allow them to help you learn how to take the next step towards freedom. Whether it’s an addiction, depression, abuse, fear, or just hopelessness you are struggling with, You Can find the help you are looking for ; But whether you find it or not, is a choice that only you can make.
((((hugs & love))))