I have spent so many years trying to figure this thing called Life out. I drove myself into bitterness and anger. I was always crying out to God, asking “Why Me”? I even became resentful towards God; believing He had abandoned me to only be cursed the rest of my life. I was miserable to say the least. Nothing made me happy, nothing nor no one. I couldn’t understand what was going on; why God allowed me to be abused as a child, why my mother was tortured for so many years, why we never had anything. The world seemed like a cruel place indeed and I wanted nothing to do with reality. So, when someone told me life was a gift, I would become outraged. Everything inside of me would cringe with disgust. I mean that was easy for them to say, they had everything, they weren’t abused, they didn’t lose everything they had, nor did they ever have to sleep in a car; so I tuned them out and before I knew it, I had become verbally abusive to others who would say such things. I just didn’t want to hear any of it, because I didn’t believe it. To me Life was a curse, it was full of suffering and pain, and I found no joy in it whatsoever.
This type of thinking would soon drive me to a life style that I am not proud of , but share with others so they know that others have felt and done the same things. My life only spiraled downward and before I knew it I was at the point of just wanting to die. It was then that I finally surrendered and started the Journey of a Lifetime.
One by one I faced the pains and hurt, the fears and tears; And one by one I released them. I know that sounds so easy, but it wasn’t and still today, when I am not doing what I need to do to stay grounded with God, I fall short in these areas of my life. However, it doesn’t last long and I am aware of its presence much quicker than before. I face it and I don’t run, which is a miracle in and of itself. I now have a relationship with God, like I’ve never had before . No, its not perfect and sometimes I still doubt and get angry at times, but God understands. He knows that I am not perfect and neither does He expect me to be.
Coming to near death on several occasions, made me realize just how precious Life really is. There’s so much I don’t understand, but today I don’t try to figure it all out; that will only drive me to insanity again. I accept reality for what it is and I live the best that I can. I try to be always have a grateful heart, no matter how tough things may be; but the most precious thing I have received in life is Life itself; Yes there have been many times when I didn’t think I could go on one second longer, there have been tragedies, and I still don’t understand why sometimes; but what I do know is the most precious gifts in my life are family & friends; the love we all have for one another; It’s the laughter the joy and the peace that I hold onto when things get rough and my relationship with God is the most important relationship that I have; He shows himself in my husband , friend, animals, sons, and so much more. I see God everywhere today and that’s a far cry away from where I use to be in life.
Life gets difficult, it throws you punches that literally can knock you out; Things happen that just aren’t fair and there’s pain that seems like it will surely rip your heart out; But that’s life and with all of it’s pitfalls, it is still a Precious Gift that we are blessed to have.
(((hugs & love)))))