Faith is what makes life bearable; It’s what gives me the strength during tough times. It’s that spark, even if tiny at the time, which ignites into flames, as long as I keep holding on to the belief that this too shall pass.
Now I am not saying I have it all together; That I never doubt or just want to give up at times, but through perseverance and determination, with God’s strength that’s within me; I keep moving forward no matter how hard it may be. Then Just when I think I can’t do it one more second, the change I was waiting for takes place.
Faith doesn’t come easy for myself and many others. Growing up in an alcoholic family , being abused, and abandoned on a regular basis; made it difficult for me to believe anything about God, much less that He was loving and caring. However, I continued to go along with what everyone else was doing and saying; even went to a Christian High School and College, but it just wasn’t there. I always had an impending doom attitude; believing that God was up on some big throne waiting to punish me yet again; that I was hopeless and a bad little girl. These thoughts are what I lived with most of my life; they are what was engraved into the core of my being. The saddest part was that the churches I grew up in were what I call Hell, Fire, & Damnation churches. The portrayed God to be this person who was angry at all of His children and was going to get revenge on each and every one of them. If you wore the wrong thing, talked the wrong way, looked or acted like you liked a boy, danced, laughed & more; you were going to hell. So no wonder it was hard for me to develop a loving and caring relationship with God. He had always been portrayed as Mean & Vengeful. Then there’s the psychological factor that weighs in; Counselors believe that the father image of the family is what a child bases their first impression of God as; So for me that was horrible; My father was a very abusive and sick man; so looking at God that way (even though I didn’t know that’s what I was doing at the time) made it even scarier.
I know that a lot of times in life we don’t feel God’s presence. We don’t think He is even there anymore. With all the hurt and pain in the world today, it may look and feel like He has left you all alone, but He hasn’t. I do not believe that God makes things happen for a reason; I can’t believe that, or I would be agreeing to the fact that He made my Dad abuse me, in some horrible ways, just to prove or make something happen. However each of us chooses our path and God will not go against our will; I also believe that Life happens and that God can take what has happened and turn into something powerful; whether the event itself brings someone into you life, a greater bond with your family, an opportunity, or a number of other things. I just know for me, I can’t believe that He sits up in Heaven thinking up ways to make bad things happen to us. He lives within my heart; He is my Spirit, He is my God and He’s with me all the time. He has given me all that I need to live a happy, joyous and free life; I just have to learn how to tap into that power. Some days I have all the faith in the world, then others not so much; but one thing is for sure, I am much closer to God than I once was.
(((hugs & love)))