For so many years I felt as though the world owed me everything. I not only thought it, I truly believed it. My selfishness only caused me more pain. I blamed, God, My Mom, My Dad, and anyone else that came across my path, for all the “wrong” that was going on in my life. I never seemed to be able to “get ahead”; especially financially. Money had a power over me, and I constantly searched for that “thing” that would fix it all. I excessively spent money and as a result was always broke. Whenever I ran out of money, a state of depression would take over my life. You would have thought I was dieing.
I was so irresponsible with money and anything else I came into contact with. I would start something , but never finish it. When I would obtain a really great job, it would be wonderful for a couple of weeks and then I slowly would start slacking and then start taking off all the time.. I was a mess and I excused my behavior, by using the excuse of having such a terrible childhood.
When I turned to drugs , I thought I had found the answer to all of my problems. For many years I was what we call in recovery, “a functioning addict”; meaning I would hold down a job and take care of my kids and the household with no problem. However, the time came when the drugs took over. The unmanageability started and before long nothing mattered but getting high. When I began to come off the drugs I would start feeling the pain from all the hurt I was causing and it was over-baring; so I would have to use more and more. I could never stop at just one. When the first drug hit me, I was off to the races. I tried so hard on so many occasions to STOP ON MY OWN, but was never able to accomplish it. The more I failed the more I hated myself. The more I hated myself the more I used…On and On and On ,,,it went. The degradation and dereliction were humiliating. My mom had turned her back, my children were confused; my oldest son wanted to die and ended up practically living with a best friend and my youngest son took on the responsibility of his mom. He would cook, clean and not let me out of his site ; for fear of something happening to me. I drug him through hell and back.
I hit my bottom when the police finally caught up with me. I was facing several years in prison for possession charges and even then all I could think about was getting out of that jail b/c I had enough money in my purse to get a few more. That would not be the case. I wold sit in jail and go through the horrific pains of withdrawal; only to get out and want ,and search for more when I got home.
This was the end of the rope for my husband, which at the time I had been married to him for 16 years. He was one of my biggest enablers, but he finally had enough. He gave me a ultimatem , and I believed him. Usually whatever I wanted , I got, but this time he wasn’t doing that and that in itself scared the crap out of me.
I ended up in treatment and I will never forget the pain of leaving my youngest son, of whom I had never been separated from. For several days I laid in the detox unit of that treatment facility, doing absolutely nothing but crying. Then I was given a book, and told that I had to start participating with my “Cottage Family”. The place I would be residing after my detox stage would be a cottage, but seeing how I was already detoxed I had to start participating earlier than most. This would change my life forever!!!!
There was such a diversity in our cottage; there were housewives, construction workers, business owners, doctors, nurses, lawyers and who knows who else; they were all having the same problem I was. When they started talking my heart opened up a little!! They were talking about me. The same thoughts and feelings I had, they were experiencing also! I was stunned. Then they shared about all the horrible things that they had done while in their active addiction and I was amazed to see not only had they done the same things as I , but some of them went even deeper in degradation than myself. I couldn’t believe what I was hearing. It was as if someone had told them all about me before I came. I didn’t say anything until a few days before it was time for me to go home; but I listened and I participated and one day towards the end of my stay, I realized I was having a good time; laughing , cutting up, living life without drugs. WOW, This was a miracle, I no longer had the obsession or compulsion to use drugs. Now for most people that happens some time later down the road, but for me, my Higher Power, saw fit to relieve me of the obsession and compulsion to use drugs while I was in treatment and I am ever so grateful .
When it came time to leave I was more terrified to go than I was of staying. I had no idea how I was going to live in that same house , next door to that same drug dealer (one of them), and my pharmacy right in front of my house; and I knew I had a refill on some narcotics. It was not easy at all. I had not lived without drugs for a very long time and I had no clue how to, honestly. So I did what they told me to do: I got a sponsor, went to 90 meetings in 90 days and worked steps; along with a lot of service work.
I am now a couple of months over 4 years clean and my life has become the most amazing journey. I have learned so much , gone through a lot, dealt with a lot of pain, had to feel a lot of devastating feelings; had to make amends, of which most are “living amends’, which is continuing to live life without drugs and be a responsible & productive member of society.
I sponsor several women, I have worked a 12 step program, given back, and I work for a treatment facility. I am now a Certified Counselor , of which I diligently worked on for a little over 2 years and just recently passed the state exam. I am writing a book and I have an amazing Facebook page that is growing with leaps and bounds. I love writing and helping people.
I did not lose my family. We have all had to work through some pain situations, however we are closer today than we have ever been. They are active in my recovery and they always attend the functions and conventions with me. I am blessed to still have them in my life and their support has helped me through some difficult times; when I thought I wasn’t going to make it.
I wanted to share a little about myself; and to let each of you know that there is a better way of living, no matter what your obsessing with or struggling with; life can be better. It starts off with one small step and before you know it , your on your way to a life you use to only see on movies.
Life was meant to be lived to its fullest, with happiness and love at its core.
If someone needs help in this area, please message me. I have a site @wingsofencouragement.com : there is a lot of material on there concerning ways to get clean. (or stop using). The site is just being developed and all the information is not up, but if you have any questions, my email is firstname.lastname@example.org
I am not quite sure why I am posting this, but my heart has lead me to do so!
Hugs & Love, Everyone