At one point in my life , fear consumed my every being! I was afraid of my own shadow and those who came around me , well I was afraid of them too. What an isolated world I lived in. Fear of something bad happening, fear of my children being harmed, fear of a car wreck, terrified of storms and on and on. However the largest fear I faced was of people in general. Getting up in front of people are talking to them was something I didnt’ do!! I was too afraid of rejection and as far as friends went, well I just knew the minute they got to know the real me; well they would abandon me. So I chose to have no friends or to destroy the potential friendships out of fear of being found out. Now what I was afraid fo being found out about, I have no clue. I was terrified of life in general. The world seemed to be a cruel place as far as I was concerned and staying clear of it was what I tried to do.
As I have shared with many, My dad was an alcoholic and with that came much abuse and some of the most terrorizing events. So I was use to living in fear from as young as I can remember. Fear of him coming home and abusing me (sexually) or beating my mom or brother. Always hoping somehow I would be rescued from that insanity, I would live in a fantasy world. Coping with and learning to survive was the mode I was always in. I would dream of ways to run away from t he insanity and find a better way to live, but it was only a fantasy and not reality.
I soon found that facing my fear of people would be the single most difficult task I would ever undertake.. For four years now, that is exactly what I have been doing. Working on finding new ideas and belief systems; ones that would work for me. Although it has been down right painful at times, the outcome has been well worth it. I am finding that when I look fear in the eye and choose to “go thru it”, I can conquer some of the most difficult of situations. Worrying about what people may think or say about me no longer consumes my every thought! The freedom from this sort of thinking is priceless.
Although I have come far on my journey; I am by no means perfect. There are still times I may struggle with those old ideas and beliefs when they try to side kick me; but today I have techniques that I use to rid them as soon as they creep up. Some days are better than others; but for the most part I am on my way to living a life like I never imagined possible. My perspective on life and this beautiful Universe that I live in is ever-changing and for the better I might add.
None of this was possible without a lot of self-examination; hard work, feeling of some painful feelings and a day-to-day check on my progress. It’s a process for me and not about perfection any longer. I know that I am human today and what happened in my childhood does not have to consume me any longer.
My prayer for all that read this is they know this one thing; They do not have to wait 42 years to start living a life free from fear, condemnation, self-pity, & resentment. You can start learning to deal with the issues at hand and learning to let them go, at this very moment. You don’t have to put off tomorrow what you can do today, any longer. It’s your choice and may you make that choice today!!!
((Much Love & Hugs))))