If you ask 100 people their definition of freedom, you will probably get 100 different answers.
When asked what freedom meant to me a few days ago, I went over the question several times in my head and actually took some time to write/meditate on it. Freedom is precious to me today and I never want to lose my freedom from active addiction. It’s value is priceless to me and along with it comes a much deeper form of freedom . Through working a program I have learned to open my heart up a little more each day; to invite others into my life and take risks. I no longer am bound by my old ways of thinking and I can create new ideas along my path.
Being free to love today is a miracle that I can’t put into words. Most of my life I have sheltered myself along with my children, from a world that I thought was hostile and unkind. My sick sense of thinking told me that if we were not involved with the outside world; if the kids stayed with me at all times; if we didn’t allow anyone into our lives, then we could not be hurt. This fear consumed me for many years. The self-made prison that I lived in was overwhelming and little by little I was cutting myself off from the really world. Isolation became my defense and soon put me in a state of being that would bring pain and suffering to not only myself , but those closest to me. I was alone and slowly drowning , engulfed, engulfed in the miseries of addiction; nothing seemed to matter anymore. What was once dear to me now took a back seat to what I looked at as my God. I could not think, see, function, walk , put clothes on or do the simplest of tasks without this drug. The dereliction and degradation was more than I ever imagined it could be. I never wanted to leave my house unless it was to get the drug or find ways and means to get the next high.
Finally a tragedy came upon me that left me no where to turn, but to my God. I had left Him, long before this day, but the rebellion inside of me was so strong, I could never reach out to him. He saw fit to watch over me , even through my darkest hours; and as I knew something had to change; I finally Surrendered! What exactly I was surrendering to, I had no clue, but it had to be better than what I was experiencing.
With my family falling apart and loved ones that were giving up, my life took a turn for the better. I soon began to see that I could laugh and be happy without the drugs; Friends started supporting me and loving me JUST AS I WAS AND NOT INSPITE OF WHO I WAS, which was something totally new to me. They loved me until I could learn to love myself. This was a whole new life for me; better than any life I had ever known before; heck I was actually living now.
Although the road was difficult and long at times, I am still clean today through the mercy of my God and I am still happy. The freedom from fear has been faced in many areas of my life; but there are still so many more to go. I take it One Day At A Time, Pray, and I have faith that as long as I keep doing the next right thing , for the next right reason, even when no one is looking; God will take care of the rest.
I can’t say that it has been easy; for I would be lieing if I did, but I can say it has been worth every second of hard work and although I may not look forward to working on certain things in my life; I know that by doing so, more freedom will me available to me.
I am free to love today; to open up and share my heart! I don’t have to live at the expense of others. What others think or say about me does not determine who I am today! Learning to follow my heart has been a process; one in which I have taken great leaps in, but still ongoing.
I will never be cured and I will always be working on me! As long as I stay teachable I have a chance! Open-mindedness, Willingness, & Honesty are 3 principles I strive to live by. Some days I am better at it than others; but I am human and today I am ok with that. Never give in to the defeat that addiction has in store for you. Know that no matter what may be going on in your life; whether it be an addiction to drugs, alcohol, sex, money, gambling, men, fear, self-degradation, or a number of other strongholds; YOU CAN FIND FREEDOM; It is available to us all for the asking!
Give yourself a break and take that first step to a life that can be filled with purpose, love and happiness.